Book bhejo...warna...!

a month into becoming publisher and i have the dubious distinction of receiving threat mail:

Hi Manisha,
After going through Peter - he has his constraints, I'll grant that - and Annie, who said she'd forward my mail to you, I'm asking you directly:
I want to buy ten copies of SATCT
I'd like to know the amount I must write on the cheque, including courier charges and bank charges I'd like to have the information within the next two days, please. Failing provision of the information requested I shall be sending print-outs of all emails pertaining to this issue to:

District Consumer Disputes Redressal Forum
692, Pushpa Heights
Bibewadi
Pune 411037

Telephone No.: 24210364 (Registrar), 24217489 (Office)

Thanks,

XXXX

(poor man, i did not wish to embarrass him by using his name in public. after all he provided so much joy!)

i fell of my chair laughing! and then sat back to analyse my position in the real world:
a brand new publisher finds readers who wish to buy more copies of the book! (the fact that the sender of the mail is one of the authors in the collection of short stories did not matter).

imagine the scenario had the sender been flush with time and money...

court scene:

the judge, looks bored out of his wits, he has dealt with tedious complaints all morning.

the complainant, looks smug, because he has rightfully taken an annoying publisher to task

the defender, a publisher (yours truly), looks smug, because she feels completely vindicated for having published a book that people are taking drastic steps to buy.

of course the court is full of media. they want to know why publisher of book is being sued!


complainant
me lud, you have seen the emails, me lud, she won't send me books!

judge
(looks bored)
why wont you send him books?

complainant
(righteous indignation)
i am telling her i shall pay for the books!

judge
(looks bored)
mister mor...let her answer!

publisher
thank you all for coming here. it is a proud day for the indian publishing industry, indeed for all readers of the written word that dee... should have invited me here...

complainant
(further righteous indignation)
see! see! i told you! they will do everything but give me the books!

judge
(looks bored)
let her speak mister (swallows)pak

publisher
as i was saying, i am indeed fortunate to be placed in this enviable position. after all, people have been raving and ranting about how no one reads, how television has encroached upon our reading time...and here is a gent who has written mail after email begging us for books

complainant
i object! i did not beg!

judge
(looking bored)
stop interjecting, but madam, please to explain why you concluded that the complainant was begging

publisher
he cannot prove he was just sitting on the chair at his desk, or was he kneeling in front of the computer, so maybe he wasn't literally begging, but we inferred...

complainant
(righteous indignation)
aha!

judge
(wakes up)
whaa...

well, what d'ya know...i have a confession to make. i received this mail at 11 something pm. unfortunately, i had already couriered the said ten books to the gent that afternoon. obviously, the courier would be delivering the books by the following morning. after having done laughing, i called the courier company. they confirmed that the package had reached pune, and would be delivered the next morning.

i paid them to return the package.

Quotable Literary Quotes

"All this while we were talking about making everything in story look real... i thought this was a fiction writing workshop... where is the fiction?"

"what should a writer concentrate on: winning the nobel prize where there are a lots of politics or writing best books. let's take analogy of cricketer, shud he practice to play best or shud he practice to win world cup?"
The best analogy to understand the plight of a writer!

"If one wants to make living as writer he needs a minimum of 1000 dollars a month and probably can write one book a year."
That is approximately Rs. 45,000 a month. Wow! :D

"the indian won't publish my work because my work features no indian protagonist and neither is it based in india - why is it that a writer from india has to be in an ethnic ghetto?

anyway, the americans would rather publish one of their own when it comes to mainstream fiction. they want us to only write ghetto stuff like namesake and maximum city. no need for us churn out a grisham or a king!"
Errr... how much do you know about an American's life? So basically you're creating your own barrier by saying that only an American Life Story is Mainstream fiction?

The science of the ancients.

A new project was about to begin, the design had been finalized, we had knocked down the walls and dug up the tiles, and the client, a rational man till now, dropped a stinker.

“ I have invited a Vaastu Pandit ( who also doubled as a pyramidologist). Hope you guys work under his advise.”

This was how it began. The man came with a pendulum, a divining rod, and changed our entire design. Put toilets where people were supposed to be, and back door where front door was supposed to be. The colours of walls, the paintings on display, the sizes of tables ( 6’x 3’ ? No! It has to be 5’11 ¾ “ X 2’ 10 5/8” ), the A/C frame ( Rose wood please. Fire energy, you see.). Copper pyramids were prescribed to be buried all over the place, 77 in all, (to subdue the water energies). Crystal pyramids were supposed to be installed later, once the office was ready. And last but not the least, No glass anywhere in the 1400 sft office. We fought over this one till he gave in.
“33 % only!” he admonished us.
By now my fiery partner was ready to sacrifice the Wise man to Gods " On the full moon nights, under the Pyramids”.
In the end, all parties reached an agreement of sorts, peace prevailed, and came another stinker.

“ Before starting the work, apply a 2 inch thick layer of cow dung all over the place. Just see that it’s the dung of a good cow, and not that of a buffalo nor ( God Forbid ! ) a bull.” This was to purify the place.

Now, 1400 sft ( doesn’t matter carpet, built up or super built up) place, meant a lot of cow. And I pointed that out.

“ If you can procure me the cow dung, I will see that it is spread”. I said coolly. The cows in front of the temples seemed like a safe bet. Standing there all day long was bound to make them pious, god fearing cows. I had no idea what was considered as ‘Goodness ‘ in a cow. No hanky panky with a hunky bull ? Was it a done thing to enquire about her virginity? Anyway, a man was appointed by the client to get some ( plenty ! I reminded them. 2 inch thick layer needs plenty !! ) cow dung asap.

We closed down the work and waited for the dung truck to arrive. One week later, after getting his call, we all gathered at the work site. I looked around for the heap of dung. None could be seen. Then the assistant brought half a bucket of liquid slush which definitely smelt like dung.

“ This is NOT enough! We have to give a 2” think layer on 1400 sft! Bring me more!” I ordered haughtily.

Now it was the assistant’s turn to break down. Clearly the man had reached the end of his patience.

“ This is all I could get. Take it or leave it!” after he cooled down he told us his tale of woes. For a week he chased four cows and their attendants. Two of the women demanded 50 bucks in advance and vanished. Third one yelled at him saying- “the cow is constipated! What can I do ? “
“ This is all I could get, please accept and sprinkle it on the site and start the work."
I accepted the compromise, and the work started as planned.

A fortnight later, the Vaastu pandit arrived with further advise. I reported that the dung thing was done, and asked him, with a genuine curiosity- “ Do you really believe this will work ? That the place has been purified, and the business will flourish because of the cow dung?”

He declared profoundly- “ Yes. I believe in it. It always works. It’s a fool proof science of the ancients. It has to work.” Then a little pause, “ Provided the cow has been good, of course.”

He, as always, had the last word.

Ask Baraati: The CKB Advice Column

Question: What does Chootiya mean?

Yeh sawaal aaya hai Mumbai se, sawaal poochhnewaale apna naam nahin bataana chaahtey...

Answer:
This word can mean many things. A lot depends on what kind of a person you are. If you are a chootiya yourself... then this word doesn't mean anything, it is just another abusive word which you can use to address other degenerates like yourself. Otherwise there's a short list of conditions to fulfil, here's the list:

1. Your occupation is officially noted as, "Chootiyagiri" on your ration card.
2. Your friends keep asking you to change your underwear.
3. You think you are the guy who appears in all celebrity wetdreams.
4. When someone says, "kaan ke neeche maaronga!" and after being slapped you actually argue saying, "yeh toh gaal pe maara, kaan ke neeche kahaan maara?"
5. When you're stalking a girl and you decide to give blank calls, when her father actually asks you furiously, "KAUN BOL RAHA HAI?!" instead of hanging up, you actually give our your full name, with your mother's maiden name, your address, your telephone number, your father's business address, your caste, religion, your native town, your mother tongue and the colour of your bedroom ceiling.
6. You actually have an email address which says: "baapkamaal@fukatchodu.com" and your friends have email addresses like: "chootiyekamaal@fukatchodu.com"
7. Everytime you say something, people around you ask you to go home and ask your parents, "Yeh kaise ho gaya?! Kya khaaya thhaa?"
8. Everytime someone says, "Mithun!" You have to put your palm on your belt buckle and raise your other hand and do five pelvic thrusts, each time saying, "Aaae!"

This should mostly solve your problem. Unless of course other baraatis feel the need to tell you more about it. You owe the Baraat 8 packets of pan paraag for each fo the points mentioned above.

To the others who wish to write into us, yeh address note down kar lijiye:
CKB Ask Baraati,
c/o CKB,
P. O. Box no. 420
Mumbai - 400 9211

Baraatiyon ka swaagat 'pan paraag' se keejeeye!

Microsoft fust

to shut the comp, go to 'start'

(i know there are many more, but this one tops the heap!)